The count is now up to 4.  Four people who I know who have commited suicide.  The first two were when I was 15.  We had moved from Summerville, SC to St. Louis in the beginning of December.  My friend Staci called me to tell me that our friend James had killed himself with a 12 gauge on February 11.  James was a member of our group, not an exclusive one-on-one friend, but still a friend.  He designed and made his own clothes.  He was talented.  James was one of those people who aren’t limited to one social group. 

Ten days later, Staci called me again.  Our friend Danny had used a 12 gauge as well.  Danny, Staci and I would hang out, just the three of us.  One of the best conversations we ever had was just before I moved.  The only picture I have of Danny is from the yearbook.  His parents were in the process of a divorce and his mom had all the pictures, so after this happened, I sent all of my pictures to his dad.  Danny didn’t use hair gel.  He used Elmer’s Glue.  It was always interesting in the afternoon when he would be sweating and the glue would turn white again.

Several years ago, there was the receptionist at Pulaski.  We would chat to each other on smoke breaks.  She showed me the pictures of her dog that she had taken with Santa.  A few weeks before she died, I noticed that she was being rather quiet.  I asked her what was wrong and she said something about how she had heard that people were talking about her behind her back at work who she had thought were her friends.  I didn’t know what to say, as I had done that.  Some other people were talking about her, and instead of defending her or telling them they were in the wrong to do that, I commented that I wished she wouldn’t wear such dark lipstick.  That I thought it made her look like she had melted a Hershey’s bar on her mouth.  A week or so after our last conversation, she didn’t show up to work.  She didn’t call.  Pulaski called her apartment and then her parents.  They said she was fine.  She killed herself approx. two weeks after she stopped coming to work.  I can’t remember her name anymore.  She only worked there for a few months.  I always wondered what happened to her dog.

Now there is Eric.  And I didn’t even know it when it happened.  The last couple of times he had dropped by, Ben and I would be in the process of leaving to go somewhere, or I would be in one of my bitchy moods.  I guess its human nature to feel like you failed somewhen when they choose to kill themselves.  I know that it isn’t my fault, but I do feel that I failed these people somehow.  I could have been a better friend, better support.  I don’t know.  The weird thing is, I just thought I saw Eric driving down the road this week.