ok. I’m having serious issues here. my problem is, I didn’t really want a log where I just rehashed everything I did each day. I wanted to spout off on my rants. The problem is, people who read my log tend to be people I associate with, therefore, generally the people I would rant about. It’s not as if I would be personally attacking them, but there are many times when I wish I could smack them down to their proper size.

These are cases where you can’t say anything to the person face-to-face, because they won’t let you. I also can’t say anything in this log in case they recognize themselves and take offense. It’s very difficult when you know who reads the log.

It’s hard to explain this, but I’m not trying to be mean. I have trouble with saying or doing things that I KNOW will hurt someone’s feelings. At least most of the time. If the pressure cap pops off, it’s free rein. All I would like to say is, when someone says something, you should be able to voice a separate opinion. I’m feeling unable to do this. Some of these people that raise my hackles would not see it as a discussion or a debate. They would see it as a personal attack. I have a bad reputation for being a bitch, which I am, but I have spent many years trying to reverse that. Since I have been married for over eight years, most of the people with whom I associate, also associate with me husband, therefore effectively muzzleing me. In the past, when I have spoken my opinion, in cases that I felt was rightfully done, and also friends I have recounted the situation felt was rightfully done, Ben has been the one punished for my actions.

If it was just me, I would go ahead and do it. But Ben chooses not to defend himself to some of these people. It’s not just Ben that I want to defend. It’s other people not being given the chance to defend themselves.

I try not to be some crusader. I know this comes off sounding very one-sided and self-righteous. That is not my aim. There are so many people I know right now who are sitting in a little pity pot. I have this incredible urge to smack them out of it, and try to point out the side of the people they see as their enemies.

The question is, do you let these people sit there, with their one side view of the world forever, seeing how they have difficulty dealing with others. Actually, they don’t seem to see it as having difficulty with others. They see everything as the problems of others. I have spoken with many of these others, and the majority seem to see it as I do. Of course, I have to take into account that they may be humoring me.

Perhaps it’s because I have had these difficulties myself that I wish I could shake some sense into these people. It has taken me a great deal of time and work. It wasn’t until Ben that I started being able to meet people who didn’t immediately think I was a bitch and want nothing to do with me. There are still some like that, but there always will be. I will not subvert my personality to please everyone. There are, however, many little things that can be done to communicate with people better which really don’t take much effort.

Of course, these people may be perfectly happy as they are. I thought I was at the time, most of the time, but I did have to admit to myself that if I had more friends, it would be a happier existence. I do have friends, by the way, I’m just one of those people that tends to have one or two close friends, a small handful of good friends, and the rest I can talk to and associate with, in and out of work.

I realize that it is rather high-minded of me to think that I can changes these situations. But it is possible. The real question is, should it be done, and by whom?