I sat here this afternoon, crying at the computer.  I don’t cry.  There are VERY few people who can say they have ever seen me cry.  I was looking at the pictures from the Angel of Hope Mission website, of children who have died.  I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for their parents.  The little bit I can imagine, which is probably only a small fraction of the reality, is horrible enough.

Ben and I had a miscarriage.  I never really got that upset about it.  It turned out to have just stopped developing at approx. 6 weeks.  Never even got to the heartbeat.  For me, it just wasn’t very real.  No, not that the miscarriage wasn’t real, but the pregnancy.  Technically, I have been pregnant twice.  I don’t feel that way.  To be honest, and this does sound bad, I have been more upset over the following failed IVF cycles than I was over the miscarriage.

I would like to say that if you have or are suffering through a miscarriage, you will not ever hear me say ‘I know how you feel’.  I don’t.  I just didn’t get that.  No depression around the due date anniversary, nothing at the miscarriage anniversary.  I have trouble trying to think of those dates.  That’s just the way it worked for me.  It certainly doesn’t work that way for everyone.

When Ben and I have gone through our IVF cycles, I always obsessively read bulletin boards of others going through this.  Before Becca, when women who already had children were talking about how sad, depressed and angry they felt over failed cycles, I would think, ‘Well, at least you have one.  You should just shut up about it.’. 

I have been told that I am a cold, callous bitch.  I would have to agree.  I do try at times to be considerate of others.  Not being a very empathetic person, I probably don’t succeed that well.

With us getting ready to go through the new cycle.  I am excited.  Not very worried at all.  At least, not yet.  Because I know that if it doesn’t take the first or second time, we have more chances already paid for. HUGE stress relief.  I do very much want more children.  I do have Becca.  If it never works again, I know that it did work once, and Ben and I will move on to the adoption we’ve always talked about.

I do not plan to post on the bulletin boards about our new cycles.  I’ll just leave that here.  It seems rather rude to talk about my cycle, as if I were their equal going through this, when I have had the success of Becca.

Who knows.  Maybe this is just another form of my obsession.